Nathan (genderqueer08) wrote in musicaltrans,
Nathan
genderqueer08
musicaltrans

New to this community

Hello,

I am new to this community, this livejournal username, and the trans community.  I used to be on livejournal back in highschool, but it's been 4 or 5 years since I have used it. I figured it was time for something new!

My identity is kind of complicated and hard to describe because I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body.  Instead, I identify is a genderqueer, bigender, two-sprited boy.  I feel like I have aspects of both genders (leaning more to the male side), living in a female body.  

I usually dress like a metrosexual guy. I like to wear polos and jeans with holes.  I haven't owned a single article of female clothing since I was 17-- I am 22 now.  I don't feel comfortable in them, and I never had.  

Unlike some trans people, I like part of the body I was given (besides the fact I need to lose weight)! I like my vagina, except for a week during each month.  I don't like my boobs... at all.  I wish I had a flat chest with muscles so that I could wear tight muscle shirts from American Eagle without my boobs hindering me!  I have ALWAYS wanted to look like the male mannequins with the ripped muscles and the buldge in the crotch.   What makes me different from some people, is that just because I like my vagina, I want to have a penis as well. Not necessarily at the same time, but I wish they were interchangeable. I know that sounds really weird, but sometimes I wish I had one or the other, depending on my mood.

I don't usually bind because I haven't been able to afford one. I have used ace bandages, but they are extremely uncomfortable.  I am saving up to get an underworks right now. 

I recently got my first packer. I love it... not gonna lie.  I wear it all the time. I even wish I could wear in the shower. haha I like reaching down and being able to feel it in between my legs. I feel like I have waited my whole life to be this "complete".

Speaking of complete... part of the reason I was able to come out to myself as feeling this way is because of my wonderful, amazing, beautiful partner.  I have considered myself a lesbian since I was 15 and it wasn't until I met my partner that I realized I was surpressing a lot of feelings that I never even thought I could admit to myself, let alone anyone else.

About 6 months ago, Tavish (my partner) told me that he felt like he was a boy inside (he is a biofemale). At first, it caught me off guard because I thought, "I'm a lesbian, I can't date a guy!" We cried and talked and I told him that I loved him and I was supportive of him no matter what.  I know he sensed that I wasn't taking it well.  What was funny was, I had been feeling the same way since I was in junior high or high school, but I just pushed the feelings aside and assumed I was just a lesbian.  It's hard enough coming out as gay or lesbian in a small town, let alone genderqueer on top of it all.  So, when Tavish told me, it made all those feelings I had been bottling up for so many years, just come to the surface.  I cried and cried about it.  I couldn't even tell him I was feeling the same way because I was so embarrassed of it (even though I shouldn't have been). I told him that I needed to tell him something shortly after he told me about himself.  I couldn't even find the words to say what I was feeling.  I had NEVER in my life put it into words... the feelings were just thoughts going around in my head for so long.  So, I sat down and wrote him a letter, telling him how I was feeling as well.  He reacted extremely well, of course. Things were pretty good at first, and we were really starting to relate to each other's feelings.  

Then, he started getting tired and irrateable towards the end of last school year and I started being a bitch to him.  We were fighting a lot... about everything.  Then, when he started binding on a regular basis and wearing a packer that he made, it was hard for me to deal with it.  I mean, I was feeling this way too, but I never thought I would actually be able to do anything about it, so I just disregarded my own feelings and put them in the back of my mind.  I had always identified as a lesbian so being with a guy was freaking me out.  I probably said some things I shouldn't have said... I know I wasn't as supportive as I should have been... I know I was stupid. But, I was jealous... jealous that he was comfortable enough to do it... jealous that I wasn't.... jealous that he could bind his boobs and look good.... I wished I could get up enough nerve to do it too.

Actually when I read his livejournal and realized just how upset I was making him, it really made me snap back into reality.  We talked about it and I told him that I was so sorry for not being more supportive. I admitted to him that I was acting the way I was because I was trying to hide it in myself and my own insecurities.  I told him that was not an excuse for my actions, but I really spilled my heart and told him how much I do love and care about him.  He told me that he knew I was feeling that way about myself but he couldn't do anything to help me if I wouldn't talk to him.  I am guilty of that... I wasn't talking to him about my feelings.  It was easier just to continue by pattern of holding it all inside.  

Things are MUCH better now.  Since then, I have really embraced it in myself.  Like I said, I can actually pack and bind and be ok with it! It feels so good........ It feels like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Now that I don't have to go around being "the tough dyke" that can only wear certain things and act a certain way.  It's ok for me to like penis... I have admitted that to myself now.  I have been around so many lesbians in my life (most of my friends are gay) that making any comment about a guy or thinking a man was attractive, was just WRONG! You didn't do that or you were made fun of for it. Tavish has really opened my mind up... made me realize that labels are just labels and that people can be whoever they want to be!

Our sex life was going down hill until we developed this newly found openness we have with each other (not to mention the new "attachments" haha)! Now it's AMAZING! I'm not going to elaborate, but wow........

So, that is my recent life in a nutshell (or just a really long post)! We are two genderqueer boys who went from lesbians to gay men... but those are just labels anyway, right? We love each other and we are human beings... that's all that matters!

-Ashton
Cross posted to other communities
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